Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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