If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
