I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
