nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
