Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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