I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
