The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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