This is not my ceiling
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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