i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
