mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
