just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
