sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
