oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
