If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
