Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
