I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
