Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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