Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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