He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
