if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You are the jesus of drinking
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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