you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
