she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
