His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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