Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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