dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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