i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
