i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
