i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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