i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
