i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
