Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
