Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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