I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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