I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
