Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Can you bring me the toilet please
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
