I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
