I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
