Even the bartender felt bad for me
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
