she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
NoShamevember. You game?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
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