everyone is single if you try hard enough
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we're making bets on your personal life
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
