Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
