Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
