glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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