I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
