Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
