Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
