can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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