I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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