I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
