You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
